What A Difference A Year Makes.

 

One year ago tomorrow was the day I chose to save my life...I made the hard decision to have gastric bypass surgery.  It wasn't easy, I felt like a complete failure.  I had hit my rock bottom.  I was so unhappy that I couldn't stand to be around myself let alone anyone else.    My health was getting worse with every pound that I put on and I had no desire to even leave the house.

In a nutshell....I was one miserably sad woman.  I have battled my weight for as long as I can remember.  Dieting starting around age 9 or so.  I was always picked on about my weight, it didn't help that I was incredibly shy and had a whole host of issues that food was a wonderful cover up for.  I literally buried myself in food, layers and layers of it.  Did it help? No.  Did I finally find myself in a place where I couldn't take it anymore? Yes.  It was this or die. I decided I didn't want to die.

I had a wonderful life didn't I?  An amazing husband who loved me no matter what size I was, two beautiful boys who loved and needed me.  Why not take one more chance and kick this thing in the balls...decision made.

I started the six month program for insurance approval and I told anyone who asked what I was going to do.  After all, it's a bit hard to explain rapid weight loss without people thinking you're sick or something.  I couldn't hide my weight after all so why hide how I lost it?  Support was rampant, mostly, there were a few who for one reason or another didn't agree with my decision, but it was my decision after all.  Those who felt it wasn't right could just kiss my ass, I was done catering to making others happy, it was time I was happy.

May 2010

start of program

266.8 lbs

misery all over that face

    

 I did the six month program for the insurance approval, classes and psych tests and a bunch of other crap.  I also had to lose 5 % of my body weight before they would even send me to meet the surgeon.  I finally got to do that in September, approved right away and surgery scheduled.  I did all that they told me to after surgery.  I walked those damn halls so many times we lost count, Ron pullng my IV pole along with us, up and down, up and down.  It was scary and exciting at the same time.  I was on my way.

 

The last year has been physically pretty good.  After all it's hard to over eat when you have the stomach the size of a golf ball.  It's been mentally harder than anything.  What do I use as a coping mechanism?  Food's out. What to do when I'm bored, angry, antsy, frustrated etc? Not food.  How do I deal with all these emotions in a healthy way.  I've picked up a few hobbies, it helps, some.  When food has always been your drug of choice it's hard to have a healthy relationship with it.  I struggle with that lately.  My hunger is back although not like it was, at least not yet, and with time is distance and you lose some of the old miserable feelings. My son asked me why I have a picture of the fat me on the fridge.  I told him that it was a reminder of how I was and it was to help me to never be there again. 

 

I've made a few sacrifices for my health, I no longer eat pasta, bread, rice or sugar.  The sugar part is actually pretty easy.  I live with the knowledge that eating it will make me sick.  The carbs part is a bit harder.  There are days I would love to sink my teeth into a whopping plate of spaghetti, and fresh yeast rolls?! OMG!  However I know that until I can have a healthy relationship with them it's not in my best interest to have them.  Some days are harder than others.  I right now fight the devil that is peanut butter.  Small portions are not a big problem for me, but I can't seem to have just a small bit of the pbutter.  I'm working on it.

 

I also exercise.  Probably not as much as I should, but certainly a whole heck of a lot more than I did.  In some ways I like it.  Seeing that I'm doing things that before I wouldn't have even thought of being able to do.  Jogging for goodness sake!  I look forward to doing a 5k someday.

 

I still find it hard to really see the me in the mirror.  I do look everytime I walk by one, I'm sure most who have been obese and then thin do.  It's just surreal to see yourself smaller.  To adjust to the way you look and how your body is.  Feeling bones in places that were always padded is a novelty still. Somewhat disconcerting at times.  Learning to love all the wrinkles that show up as the fat is lost.  Skin will only take so much abuse ya know.  Not worrying about people seeing the "batwings" that have become my upper arms or the varicose veins in my legs that I didn't know were there because they were under all that fat.

 

Being able to take a compliment and be gracious and actually "take" it, not just shrug it off.  After all I DO look good.  Getting frustrated when people tell me not to lose anymore weight, who are they after all?  These are things that I struggle with and might always.  I'm still a fat girl on the inside, with all her self esteem issues and hang ups.  I was crying when I found my before picture, seeing the unhappiness on my face and knowing that I still am so damn hard on myself, after all I haven't met my goal yet.  Those last 5 pounds are like an albatross around my neck.  It shouldn't be that big a deal, hell if I got rid of all the extra skin I would certainly be below goal so technically I'm probably already there!  I just have a few rolls that hide it.  I stuggle still and maybe always will.....

 

I see in my face now a woman who lost 118 lbs, went from a size 22 to a 6, who see's that she may have lost a lot of time but is now in a place where she won't let it pass her by anymore.  Happier, healthier, capable of handling anything, even the few bumps in the road that crop up.  Willing to live life rather than let it pass her by.  Who is still hard on herself, but may be willing to cut herself some slack and realize that she did it and with faith in herself and the support of those who love her, she'll have won this fight and will continue to win the war.....

    

Exercise Program

Exercise.....the necessary evil.  I have hated it all my life, dreaded it, and for the most part talked myself out of it on any occassion I could.

Not anymore.

Do I love it? Not yet but am working my way to that.  I am currently doing a C25K program, which means Couch To 5k.  I hope to run one in November.  Typically you do the program 3 days a week, but I have been doing it at least 5 days, sometimes twice a day.  I find myself at loose ends and since I can't eat out of boredom anymore what else am I to do?

I feel so much better when I do exercise I can see how it could be addicting.  Pushing myself to do things that 115 lbs ago I would never have been able to do.  It's amazing what the body will do if you just tell it to keep moving.

8 Month Update

It's been a short 8 months since my surgery, and alot has changed.  I can do things physically that I couldn't do before and I am slowly working on the mental aspects of all the changes.  Seeing myself in the mirror is a bit awkward as I have to adjust to a different face and new road maps on my body. 

 

In the long run I'm much better off living with a  bunch of wrinkles and bat wings than an extra 111 pounds.  I figure if someone doesn't like it they can just look somewhere else.  I've earned every one and am going to enjoy wearing clothes that don't cover me from elbows to ankles.

 

I have only 10 lbs to go til I get to my goal.  I went from a size 22 to a size 8.  Amazing to me.  I actually look forward to shopping now knowing that those cute things I used to see will actually work for me now.

 

I'm hoping to hit goal by my birthday this month, but if I don't that's okay, I know it will come off and I have more time now than I would of had.

   

July 1,2011

155LBS

Slacker

I have been remiss in my posting, as I'm sure you've noticed.  I haven't gone out with camera in tow in what seems like forever.  I'm not really sure why. I need to rectify it immediately.

It's summer vacation and I vowed to find things for me and the boys to do so we don't manage to kill each other by the end of it.  Today I took them to the lake to feed the ducks and geese, or so I thought.
One goose, and finally two ducks showed up....what did they do instead?  Got in the water and swam around, clothes and all.   I don't know why I didn't see this coming,  I should of, swim trunks would have been a good thing.  Thankfully I had a couple of blankets in the trunk so they didn't have to ride home completely naked.

My weight loss has been going well.  It's slowed down some, as is common after six months, but I'm only about 11 pounds from my ultimate goal of 145 so I'm not stressing too much.  I need to be more consistent with my exercise and am doing my best to accomplish that.

It's been an emotional journey the last bit, I ran into an old coworker who looked right at me and kept on walking.  She had no idea who the heck I was.  Took a minute to convince her.  I don't think I look that different but then again she hasn't seen me in about a year or so. 
Lately when I look in the mirror I can see some change, accept it almost.  Hope that it's for good.

My eating has changed considerably since surgery.  Today for lunch I had chicken salad made with light sour cream, feta cheese, strawberries, wrapped in spinach leaves.  Never would I have eaten that before.  I would of always gone for the junk, and lots of it.  I've eaten tofu, veggie burgers, turkey and veggie sausage and a gosh awful lot of protein drinks.  Sometimes I get a bit nostalgic for a big fat hamburger or pizza, but I manage most days to stay on track.  If I slip it's a few chips or an extra tsp of peanut butter.  I try not to guilt too much over it, but it's hard to break old habits.

Physically I am  miles away from where I was.  I was bored one day so I walked 10 miles down the road, same thing next day.  Never would of gotten past the driveway before.  I can jog for a half mile without stopping, hoping to improve on that.  I go horseback riding for hours and not be feeling like I can't move after.  I'm going kayaking this July 4th!  So many new things to do and try.

Now off to cut poor hubby's hair, he's a bit shaggy!

Officially A Member of the Century Club!

What if the Century Club you ask?  Well it means I have officially lost 100 pounds!!!

After the stress of last week I buckled down and took stock of what my eating was.  It worked. I lost 5 pounds this week!  I will proudly post my Century Club badge  here.  I've earned the damn thing!

Woot woot!  :::::doing the happy dance:::::

Six Months Pic Update

For those that forgot or didn't know what I looked like at the start of my journey, here is a reminder.  And an update pic at the bottom.  Still have 25 pounds to go and am in a stall that is currently making me no fun what so ever to be around.  It is still so hard to live in the moment and appreciate what  I've done so far.  I focus on what's left to do and how hard it is becoming.  Gotta get my head out of my ass I guess.

   

Today  171

Frustration

Up a pound down a pound....I will be six months out from surgery next week and I was wanting to be at a 100 lbs loss, but it seems these last 4 pounds are just going to drive me crazy.

I realize that I've made great progress, however, I seem to be feeling the affects of leaving the "honeymoon" period where it's easier to lose weight.  I so want to reach my goal by my 42nd birthday in July.  I still have about 25 lbs left to go.

It's just hard to stay motivated when it gets difficult, guess I'll just have to hit the wall and run through it..

The View Between The Ears

Today I got to go horseback riding for the first time in almost 9 years.   It's one of the things I missed doing the most when I was so big.  Horses have always been a passion of mine and I am so thankful that I can now take part in something I love.

 

I rode at a local stable that does trail rides.  I know the owner and he told me to just grab a horse and go ride as long as I wanted!  As I'm sure most of you know it's not always easy getting a trail horse to go off my itself, so Thanks to Sugar who proved to be willing with only a minor fit here and there.  She took good care of me today.

 

  

Authenticity

Ever since I turned 40 I have been on a search for who I am.  What do I bring to this life?  What is my "authentic self"? What do I give of myself?

These questions and more have been plentiful and on  my mind since my surgery.  I'm sure not the first to hit 40 and wonder these things.  I'm the first to admit I have issues that need dealing with.  Things from my past that I to this day let define who I am.  It's not easy to let go of a lifetime of beating yourself up and telling yourself that you're not worth it. 

I'm at a point in my life that I want to change all of that, but have no clue on what to do.  I do realize that I'm a pretty decent person, that I do give of myself to others.  Maybe not all that I could, but it is a work in progress.  I believe that when I can logically examine all that is and was, and work through it and see it for what it could be I will have become a better person.  One who believes in herself and accepts those traits that are both good and bad.  Be the one and only me.  Not anyone else.  Be true to my thoughts and feelings, without fear of being liked and understood by others. 

I've spent a great deal of time trying to be who I'm not just so I didn't make others mad.  Kept in the words I might have spoken to defend or explain.  If they are intitled to their opinions and thoughts what makes me think that I'm not.  Who I am and what I have to say is just as important as anyone.

Do I truly know "who I am"?  Parts of me sure, but not all.  I've changes alot in the last 15 years and especially in the last 6 months.  I will continue to look and seek my true self.  Speaking my mind and challenging my thought about myself.

Seeking.....

Feeling The Need To Rant

I seem to be a bit frustrated these last couple of days.  I have gained and lost the same pound over and over and it doesn't want to stay gone.

I'm afraid that my weight loss has stopped.  It's not even been six months yet and I'd hate to think that the "honeymoon" phase is over.  I still have 30 lbs to go.  My DH says to stop worrying about the numbers, that it will happen.  I can't.  I've realized today that I still have alot of things to work on with my mental state towards food.

I find myself wanting to eat, and if I sit and think about it I'm not really hungry.  At least I don't think I am. It's kind of hard to tell still.  My mind wanders to food, and it's all I can think about.  Obsessed really.  I know logically that this is normal, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I need to find things to do with myself, but when I think about it I can't come up with anything.  House chores just seem never ending, and with the price of gas lately who wants to go drive anywhere.  Unfortunately there isn't anything to do near my house.  There are times when living in a small town rural area is the pits.  I don't even have any friends to do things with.  Damn I'm frustrated.  Lonely.  Feeling loads of self pity.

Crap I'm over this.  I've spent the better part of 35 years feeling like shit about myself.  One would think it wouldn't be so damn hard to change that.  I realize that I'm a good person, even if some think otherwise, I don't hurt people, go out of my way to do anything I can for them.  I genuinely want to make others happy.  Why is it so hard for me to be?

I'm also a bit perturbed at my DH.   I wanted to take a week-end and go to Grandfather Mountain.  He doesn't want to go someplace where it involves alot of hiking and walking around.  He would rather go someplace different, sit on the porch, have a drink and all.  We do that now.  I want to get out and go now that I can.  I've spent my life sitting around, I want to move and do things. 

I know that if I don't do those things that I will end up right where I was and that will be the end for me.

Things I Can Do Now

Being 90 lbs lighter is a bit of a learning process.  Finding things that are easier for me to do, or things that I can do that I couldn't do before.

Some of them are.....

Sitting on my hubbys lap
Going for a motorcyle ride
Crossing my legs
Tying my shoes without feeling like I can't breathe
Walking 3 miles back to the house after hubby dropped me off down the road, and enjoying it
Not worrying about how fat I look when talking to people
Making love to my hubby, it's great to be an active participant
Playing on the swings with my boys
Going for a hike
Having more self confidence

There are more to come, but you have to stop and appreciate the steps you've already taken.  It helps to see it in print to know that it really has happened and it's just going to get better.

5 Months Post Op

I had my Dr's visit today.  I  got the results from my labs that I had done last week.  All is within normal range. I'm not deficient in anything. 

Now that doesn't mean it won't change with time, but for now I don't have to add any supplements to my daily vitamin routine.

I have lost 86 lbs and only have 35 more to go.  The only place to do any improvement is my exercising.  I have not been consitent and have fallen way off.  I vow to improve that and do 30 mins at least 3 times a week.

Yesterday we all went for an hour long hike across the street and it was fun and alot easier than it would have been before.  Wy got scratched a couple of times and decided he would rather be carried down the mountain.  It was actually easy for me.  That wouldn't of been possible before either.

I will try and post updated pics sometime this week. 

Keep the peace!!

Update

I have to say that this journey over the last several months has had it's ups and downs.  Yesterday was a downer.  I don't really know how to explain it.

I tried to articulate it to my husband but don't think he quite understood why I was upset.  I'm stuck.  Mentally and physically.  I honestly think it is harder on my mental state than physical.  Letting go of the food obsession is not easy.  Realizing that you might never have another piece of fried chicken, pizza, or a damn good burger is sometimes hard to deal with. 

Is it really all that bad if you didn't?  No.  But sometimes it feels like it.  Especially if you've not lost any weight by not eating this stuff.  I'm at a point where I just want to have my shake and some protein bars, and that's it.  I don't want to have to cook something just for me.  I don't eat what I make the boys for supper.  I could, but when they eat I'm not really all that hungry and when I am it's just easier to grab a bar.  Smart?  Healthy?  Probably not.

I felt as big yesterday as I've ever felt.  I know realistically it's not true.  You can't be as big when  you've lost 80 pounds.  In my brain it doesn't make a difference.  I still see it and feel it.  I'm certain that it will change in time.  However there are times when it just "weighs" me down. No pun intended.

Add in a bit of dehydration, even though I drink a half gallon of water at least every day, some tiredness, and my non stop hair loss, and it equal a shitty day.  I just didn't feel up to anything.

Mentally I need to change how I "see" myself.  I have fought the weight thing for so long that it's how I've defined myself, and that's not all there is to me....

What else is there?

I intend to find out.

Hopefully.....

Hair de Hair Hair

Okay, call me vain, but I have always been proud of my hair.  I always considered it my best feature.  Long, thick, hair other women envy....

Not anymore.  I knew that hair loss was a side affect of WLS but hoped it would pass me by.  No such luck.  It started and gets worse every day.  I didn't think it would make me so miserable, but it does.  I'm sure no one else can see the difference, but I do.

It's supposed to last for several months, in which case I just hope I have some left when it's done.  It will of course grow back, and there isn't anything I can do to stop it, so I guess I'll just have to grin and bear it.

As far as the weight loss is concerned.  I'm up to 80 pounds lost.  I've been stuck for the last few weeks and it's coming off very slow.  I still have about 40 more to go, and I find myself impatient and frustrated.  I guess it's not something most everyone would understand unless you've been or are morbidly obese.

Yes I look different and better, but according to the medical BMI scale I am still considered "obese".  I long for the days of "overweight" and "normal".

Sunday Family Fun

Yesterday was one of those awesome late Winter days, it was sunny, mildly warm and just beautiful out.  We took the boys to the track at the school to see if we could finally get Wy to ride his bike without training wheels.  After a few laps around DH took off the support wheel and with a little help he was off and riding!  He loves it, as we knew he would.  He did lap after lap and even started out on his own when he got off in the grass.  It's amazing how fast they grow.

I managed to walk the track for some exercise, with a little jogging, and jumping rope to amp things up.  I also got to play on the swings!  My butt isn't too big now to fit!

I used to dread going to the track.  All I would do is sit on the bench and watch the kids and DH play.  I was so out of shape it was just a horrible time for me.  Not anymore!  It was an awesome day hanging out with the family.  I look forward to doing more things with them and taking on new adventures!

Self Reflection

Today I ran errands, lots of things to do in town.  Kind of cold, but I hate wearing a coat.  I pulled out one of my favorite shirts from my old skinny day and guess what? It fit!  It's a wonderfully soft long sleeve t from Gap Body.  I paired it with my new workout pants, size large thank you very much, and off I went.

The first place was the Administration building to pay the taxes on Ron's truck.  As I was walking up to the door I noticed my reflection in the glass. I could actually see daylight between my legs as I walked!  I looked almost normal sized.  No uncomfortable shuffle of shame praying no one looked at me.  No huge bulges sticking out. People actually said hello and how are u!  Amazing.

So much better today than yesterday.  I forget sometimes to enjoy the small things.  Like actually looking at your reflection and not feeling shame and embarrassment.  A little non surgical victory for me!

Here's looking at u girl!

Getting Out Of My Head

I would have to say that until lately this WLS journey hasn't been too bad.  The last few weeks I seem to be at a stall as far as my weight goes and it can be a bit frustrating.  I'm doing my best to deal with it.  I realize that my body needs to adjust to the loss and to do that it will hold water and do it's best to figure out what I'm doing to it.  That doesn't make it any easier to accept gaining a few pounds.

I know in my head it's only water, as I don't eat more than 800 calories a day, it's impossible to actually gain "weight".  It's still a little itch in the back of my mind, bugging me.  I suppose after a lifetime of being obese that I should be used to all these feelings and not let them get to me so much, but it's difficult.

Frustration was usually dealt with by eating.  Since I can't do that I find myself at a loss of what to do.  Yesterday I cleaned the house from room to room, read, knitted, accepted delivery of a new dryer, talked on the phone, played on the computer, watched some shows, and still found myself wanting to go into the kitchen and eat.  Was I hungry? Nope, not at all.  "Head hunger" is difficult to deal with for me.  For so long eating was my main occupation.  I used it for every emotion.  I find myself lost as to what I do now.  Have I said that already? Seems to be the topic stuck in my mind.

Staying motivated is my main focus this week.  I've been walking and doing a toning dvd for my exercise and it hasn't been too bad.  I can actually jog!  I need to focus on how I feel physically, which is great.  The improvements in my mobility and endurance have been great and I actually feel like a person and not just a lump on the sofa.  I have all kinds of things that I want to do now that I can get out and "do" stuff.  Spring needs to get here quickly!

A Couple Glitches In The System....

I have an insane need to weigh myself, sometimes twice a day.  Now this does nothing for my frame of mind.  It can send me into a spiral of self loathing, fear, loss of hope, and general bitchiness.  I yearn to get over it, but secretly fear it too.  How will I know if I'm losing weight?  Gaining weight?  At a plateau?  It's a catch 22, damned if you do and damned if you don't.  It's driving me batty.

Tonight I wanted to take a sledge hammer to it, hubby thought that wasn't a good idea, just give it to him and he'd get rid of it....of course that doesn't work when I'm sitting right there and I see that he's taken it to the shed.  I'm the best at finding scales when hidden.  See how my idea would have worked better.  Dead scale means no scale at all.

I feel that if I didn't know what my weight was every day maybe I'd be more inclined to exercise, I will admit to being lazy about it, although I did walk today.

I'm tired of getting wrapped up in the numbers, it's about health after all....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My other glitch is the ability to take praise.  I have a very hard time accepting any type of praise.  Be it about my cooking, hairstyling, weight, you name it.  All my life I've lived trying to make myself part of the background.  I don't like to draw attention to myself, kind of ironic when you think about it, how the hell can you miss the elephant in the room anyway.  As I lose weight people are asking how much, or commenting on how I look.  It's uncomfortable.  All my life I've been hyper aware of my size and how others might perceive me because of it. 

The only thing I can think of to say when people say that I look good or they are proud of me is..."Thank you, I'm trying".  And I feel like a complete fool when I do it. It just means my weight is still that which people "see" me.

I'd like to think I'm much more than just my weight.  I'm not sure what yet, but really, I just want to disappear when it's brought up.  I may not be something you can understand if you're not morbidly obese.   It's confusing, I know.

I hope that I can learn to accept it and be more comfortable in myself and my new body.  It isn't easy when you've been hiding for the better part of 40 years.....

Update with Pics

It's been just over 11 weeks since I had surgery.  It feels as if it's slow going, but I know that it really isn't.  As of today I've lost a total of 71 lbs with 50 more to go.

It is a bit weird adjusting to the changes I see in my body.  As a fat person you grow accustomed to how your body looks, you might not like it, but it's what you're used to.  As you lose weight you see how much damage you've done to your body.  The saggy skin that will never tighten up, the stretch marks, scars, and flab.  An all new home to live in.  Not as comfortable mentally as the old homestead.  Kind of like moving to a new city where you don't know anyone and arent' quite sure how to fit in.  The old might not have been perfect, but you knew all about it, ya know?

Physically I feel so much better.  Of course there is need for improvement, and now that I'm recovered from pneumonia I have the energy to exercise.  I've been out shoveling snow for a couple hours at a time the last few days.

Take a look and see for yourself....just be kind :)

   

Sniff Sniff

One of the things that I've heard about WLS is that after, your sense of smell is stronger...I would say that was true at first.  Certain foods just didn't sit well with the sniffer.  I've always had a sensitive sniffer anyway so it wasn't too much of a bother....until.

It lent itself to things other than food.  Now I'm a clean person, I shower everyday, use a nice smelling soap, clinical strength deoderant...ya know...all those things ya are supposed to.  So why did I smell myself?  Lift the arm to get something off the top shelf...hmmm...is that me?  Man I sure hope my clients can't smell that, after all my arms are up in the air the whole time they're there....what to do?

Well while I was sick this week my DH was off for the holiday and I mentioned to him how I thought I smelled.  He said he never smelled me.  Me being the worrying woman I am asked him to sniff me over to make sure.  He being the wonderful man he is, did.  How many men would voluntarily stick their nose in their wives arm pit?  Not many I'm sure.  He said nope, all he smelled was deoderant, and as his nose was pretty much all the way there I guess I have to believe him...It's just me and my kryptonite nose.

Now if I could just use it to smell out something useful.......