Meet Ellie Mae

They boys finally got their way and convinced dad to let them have a puppy.  We searched the shelters and on Sunday we found Ellie..she was not what we originally went to get, we were interested in a shepherd mix, but she seemed to capture dad's attention when she was the only pup not barking when someone came through with another dog on leash.  She is a bassett/lab mix and seems to be good natured if a bit stubborn when you want her to come to you.

She is going to be an outside dog, and I know a lot of people don't agree with this but it's the only way dad would go.  He grew up with only outside dogs and just refuses to have one in the house.  I grew up with inside dogs and it's been a bit difficult for me to adjust...guilt and fear for her saftey have made the last couple of nights a bit hard.  I do crate her at night to keep her safe and hubby is going to build her a well insulated dog house for the winters and he did concede that if it was exceptionally cold she could bunk in her crate in the house.  We will see how it goes.  I don't believe in keeping a dog chained up so she will have free run when she's a bit older. For now I have a harness and will keep her tethered when I'm gone.

     

We have not had a dog in about 3 years since Molly went missing and I have some misgivings about it all.  Ellie is adorable but she hasn't yet captured my heart, I know that may sound hard hearted of me but it is what it is.  It's only been a few days after all and I have to admit that the extra work involved for me is a bit stressfull, the things we do for our kids, cats are so much easier. 

   

We will just have to wait and see what happens when she's allowed to be out and about.  Maybe I can convince dear old dad to give in and let her in the house...

Big Bird Syndrome

Oh how time flies.  I can't believe how long it's been since I posted on my blog.  I've been in a bit of an "ostrich" mode for the last few months.  I've been avoiding all of the soul searching, learning the inner "me" stuff that goes with having WLS. 

I find it harder to be more open about myself now that I'm smaller.  For some reason it was easier when I was fat, after all there it is in the open, you can't hide the fact you're fat, but you can hide the fact that your inner you is a bit screwed up.  Put on your happy face and avoid all the issues that caused you to overeat.

I haven't been the best with my food choices lately, too many carbs and way too much coffee, and exercise has pretty much been nil. I know that I need to fix this, I can't go back to the way I was, I live in fear of it every day. I check the threads on my support board and there is always one about regain, how some bounce back is inevitable, I just don't want to believe that.  I can't do that, emotionally that would just about kill me.

I have to change my behavior, stop being so damn lazy about exercise and so damn strict about my diet.  Yes I have to give up my ritz crackers and tortilla chips, but I also need to eat something more than just fish, I eat that for almost every meal.  Boring.  I don't even enjoy my meals anymore and that's sometimes a hard thing for me.  I find myself just eating anything because I won't enjoy it anyway so why put effort into making something else?

When I was a new post op I would eat a variety of things, chicken, chili, veggie patties, yogurt...a lot of protein shakes.  For several months I was having stomach pain and it got to where I was scared to eat anything for fear of being doubled over on the floor unable to get rid of it..that went on for a bit, went and had a complete series of x-rays of stomach and lower intesting, everything was normal. The Dr thought I had a build up of bacteria in my intestines because I don't produce enough stomach acid to kill it all off so he put me on a heavy antibiotic for two weeks...no pain...but  I also cut out just about anything with sugar alcohols.  I've had only two minor blips of pain in the last two months.  Should I try protein shakes again?  I know that I'm not getting enough protein and that's not good for me.

I will say that this process has really showed me how messed up I am with food.  What I wouldn't give to have a "normal" relationship with it.  The power I let it have over me is just sad.  I am so much more than that.  I guess  I need to dig a deeper hole into my soul and figure all this crap out or back to the "old" me will be inevitable.

So back here to my blog I am.  I may not have the most entertaining stuff to write about as I don't think I have the most interesting life right now, but I can lay the blame for that squarely at my own feet.  I tend to overlook the little things in life that make it worthwhile.....maybe it's all the sand in my eyes from shoving my head in the ground....

Sunday Stills....Vintage

This weeks challenge is to find something that is "vintage" to you...I took a different approach this week, not many would consider my subject "vintage" but it is old...My son's ballgame happened to be across from a local cemetary so off I went with camera in hand..

a view from the top overlooking the Smoky Mountains

I happen to like wandering through graveyards.  I don't worry too much about "stepping" on anyone as I am there with the best of intentions with no disrespect intended.  Wondering about the lives of the people who reside there, what life would have been like for them back so many years ago.  The things they would have seen in their lifetimes...always interesting.

this old oak would be considered vintage I'm sure, they take quite a few years to get so big

this little boys life was short but hopefully filled with love

the road is in need of a bit of care, but that might take away from the quaintness of this little cemetary

I found this one under a bunch of fresh mown grass....imagine my surprise at finding a Civil War vet under all that