Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Big Bird Syndrome

Oh how time flies.  I can't believe how long it's been since I posted on my blog.  I've been in a bit of an "ostrich" mode for the last few months.  I've been avoiding all of the soul searching, learning the inner "me" stuff that goes with having WLS. 

I find it harder to be more open about myself now that I'm smaller.  For some reason it was easier when I was fat, after all there it is in the open, you can't hide the fact you're fat, but you can hide the fact that your inner you is a bit screwed up.  Put on your happy face and avoid all the issues that caused you to overeat.

I haven't been the best with my food choices lately, too many carbs and way too much coffee, and exercise has pretty much been nil. I know that I need to fix this, I can't go back to the way I was, I live in fear of it every day. I check the threads on my support board and there is always one about regain, how some bounce back is inevitable, I just don't want to believe that.  I can't do that, emotionally that would just about kill me.

I have to change my behavior, stop being so damn lazy about exercise and so damn strict about my diet.  Yes I have to give up my ritz crackers and tortilla chips, but I also need to eat something more than just fish, I eat that for almost every meal.  Boring.  I don't even enjoy my meals anymore and that's sometimes a hard thing for me.  I find myself just eating anything because I won't enjoy it anyway so why put effort into making something else?

When I was a new post op I would eat a variety of things, chicken, chili, veggie patties, yogurt...a lot of protein shakes.  For several months I was having stomach pain and it got to where I was scared to eat anything for fear of being doubled over on the floor unable to get rid of it..that went on for a bit, went and had a complete series of x-rays of stomach and lower intesting, everything was normal. The Dr thought I had a build up of bacteria in my intestines because I don't produce enough stomach acid to kill it all off so he put me on a heavy antibiotic for two pain...but  I also cut out just about anything with sugar alcohols.  I've had only two minor blips of pain in the last two months.  Should I try protein shakes again?  I know that I'm not getting enough protein and that's not good for me.

I will say that this process has really showed me how messed up I am with food.  What I wouldn't give to have a "normal" relationship with it.  The power I let it have over me is just sad.  I am so much more than that.  I guess  I need to dig a deeper hole into my soul and figure all this crap out or back to the "old" me will be inevitable.

So back here to my blog I am.  I may not have the most entertaining stuff to write about as I don't think I have the most interesting life right now, but I can lay the blame for that squarely at my own feet.  I tend to overlook the little things in life that make it worthwhile.....maybe it's all the sand in my eyes from shoving my head in the ground....

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