Ever since I turned 40 I have been on a search for who I am. What do I bring to this life? What is my "authentic self"? What do I give of myself?
These questions and more have been plentiful and on my mind since my surgery. I'm sure not the first to hit 40 and wonder these things. I'm the first to admit I have issues that need dealing with. Things from my past that I to this day let define who I am. It's not easy to let go of a lifetime of beating yourself up and telling yourself that you're not worth it.
I'm at a point in my life that I want to change all of that, but have no clue on what to do. I do realize that I'm a pretty decent person, that I do give of myself to others. Maybe not all that I could, but it is a work in progress. I believe that when I can logically examine all that is and was, and work through it and see it for what it could be I will have become a better person. One who believes in herself and accepts those traits that are both good and bad. Be the one and only me. Not anyone else. Be true to my thoughts and feelings, without fear of being liked and understood by others.
I've spent a great deal of time trying to be who I'm not just so I didn't make others mad. Kept in the words I might have spoken to defend or explain. If they are intitled to their opinions and thoughts what makes me think that I'm not. Who I am and what I have to say is just as important as anyone.
Do I truly know "who I am"? Parts of me sure, but not all. I've changes alot in the last 15 years and especially in the last 6 months. I will continue to look and seek my true self. Speaking my mind and challenging my thought about myself.