Wednesday, January 19, 2011

A Couple Glitches In The System....

I have an insane need to weigh myself, sometimes twice a day.  Now this does nothing for my frame of mind.  It can send me into a spiral of self loathing, fear, loss of hope, and general bitchiness.  I yearn to get over it, but secretly fear it too.  How will I know if I'm losing weight?  Gaining weight?  At a plateau?  It's a catch 22, damned if you do and damned if you don't.  It's driving me batty.

Tonight I wanted to take a sledge hammer to it, hubby thought that wasn't a good idea, just give it to him and he'd get rid of it....of course that doesn't work when I'm sitting right there and I see that he's taken it to the shed.  I'm the best at finding scales when hidden.  See how my idea would have worked better.  Dead scale means no scale at all.

I feel that if I didn't know what my weight was every day maybe I'd be more inclined to exercise, I will admit to being lazy about it, although I did walk today.

I'm tired of getting wrapped up in the numbers, it's about health after all....


My other glitch is the ability to take praise.  I have a very hard time accepting any type of praise.  Be it about my cooking, hairstyling, weight, you name it.  All my life I've lived trying to make myself part of the background.  I don't like to draw attention to myself, kind of ironic when you think about it, how the hell can you miss the elephant in the room anyway.  As I lose weight people are asking how much, or commenting on how I look.  It's uncomfortable.  All my life I've been hyper aware of my size and how others might perceive me because of it. 

The only thing I can think of to say when people say that I look good or they are proud of me is..."Thank you, I'm trying".  And I feel like a complete fool when I do it. It just means my weight is still that which people "see" me.

I'd like to think I'm much more than just my weight.  I'm not sure what yet, but really, I just want to disappear when it's brought up.  I may not be something you can understand if you're not morbidly obese.   It's confusing, I know.

I hope that I can learn to accept it and be more comfortable in myself and my new body.  It isn't easy when you've been hiding for the better part of 40 years.....


5 Starr's Farm said...

Hi Colleen, I think people think they need to say "something" and are just letting you know that they have noticed the change. I think we sometimes read to much in to what others say, when they're just being nice.

I say kill the scales.

5 Starr's Farm said...

Hey Girl, was looking for your Sunday Still....Hope all is well...Sam