Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Fear and Losing

I have been scheduled for my last couple of pre-op tests and I all of a sudden today have become overwhelmed with fear and terror.

This is as you know a very serious surgery and people have died from it.  I don't want to be one of those, no one does, but it seems to be all I can think about today.  The thought of leaving my sons without their mom is just impossible to fathom.   They mean the world to me and I hope to be here to watch them grow into the amazing men they will become. 

Have I told them all they mean to me?  Have I done enough for them?  Taught them?  Loved them?  I just don't know.  Of course I could be better, we moms all think that , wonder if we're doing it right. 

I want to be there to help them through the really tough years, support, encourage, and guide them on their way through this crazy thing called life.  I hope I will be.  One of the reasons to have this surgery done is just that.  To be here.  If I keep on the way I have been the likelyhood of seeing them grow get's smaller and smaller.  Yes there are some in worse shape than me, but every year my health just seems to be heading in a down direction.

I thought just losing weight and managing to keep it off was going to be the hard part, but actually going through with it, getting it done, seems to be the obstacle my mind is focusing on right now.

Terror is incapacitating.....small steps....towards life.

1 comment:

CTG Ponies said...

Hang in there! You'll be just fine and in a year will look back on this while you are playing with your boys and feeling better about yourself. I'm thrilled for you that you were approved and are taking this very big step.