Monday, February 28, 2011


I have to say that this journey over the last several months has had it's ups and downs.  Yesterday was a downer.  I don't really know how to explain it.

I tried to articulate it to my husband but don't think he quite understood why I was upset.  I'm stuck.  Mentally and physically.  I honestly think it is harder on my mental state than physical.  Letting go of the food obsession is not easy.  Realizing that you might never have another piece of fried chicken, pizza, or a damn good burger is sometimes hard to deal with. 

Is it really all that bad if you didn't?  No.  But sometimes it feels like it.  Especially if you've not lost any weight by not eating this stuff.  I'm at a point where I just want to have my shake and some protein bars, and that's it.  I don't want to have to cook something just for me.  I don't eat what I make the boys for supper.  I could, but when they eat I'm not really all that hungry and when I am it's just easier to grab a bar.  Smart?  Healthy?  Probably not.

I felt as big yesterday as I've ever felt.  I know realistically it's not true.  You can't be as big when  you've lost 80 pounds.  In my brain it doesn't make a difference.  I still see it and feel it.  I'm certain that it will change in time.  However there are times when it just "weighs" me down. No pun intended.

Add in a bit of dehydration, even though I drink a half gallon of water at least every day, some tiredness, and my non stop hair loss, and it equal a shitty day.  I just didn't feel up to anything.

Mentally I need to change how I "see" myself.  I have fought the weight thing for so long that it's how I've defined myself, and that's not all there is to me....

What else is there?

I intend to find out.


1 comment:

samiam4eva06 said...

Oh Colleen! I'm so sorry you had such a crappy day. I was on an emotional roller coaster last week as well. We have to remember that this is mostly in our head. You can do this!!