Tuesday, March 24, 2009

What The Hell Is Wrong With Me?

Here is a picture of me from 2002. I'm the one on the left, yes it's me. 100 lbs lighter than I am now. I have been fat pretty much my whole life and believe me when I say "It sucks!". I went on a weight loss medication in July of 2002 and by Christmas had lost 90 lbs, the rest came off after that. I got so wrapped up in numbers that when I came home from a vacation to Fl that I was pissed that I hadn't lost any weight. I was a hefty 153, can you imagine! How dare I not be in the 140's. That's what I thought at the time. I am now a morbidly obese 260 and am completely miserable with myself. I can't stand my own company and am embarrassed to be seen. I just bury it under humor and keep my eyes downcast. It's ridiculous that I let myself get back to that. I would love to be the woman in the picture below instead of the one I've become. I've lost and gained weight my whole life and I fail every time at keeping it off. Why does food seem so much more important than my health? I currently have high blood pressure and I'm not even 40, my knees make all kinds of crunching noises when going up an incline and I worry every day that I'll die early and leave my kids without a mom. Yet do I do anything about it? No. I just bury my head in more food and guilt. Depressed about everything and too fricking tired and out of hope to do it again. Where can I find the will to want to LIVE instead of just exist? My kids don't get the best of me and neither does my husband. Neither do I really. I would love to find the joy I had then with myself, instead of all the hate I have now...

1 comment:

kellie said...

I have been where you are. Just make the decision to try again. We all have our demons but should never give up. God knows I have mine. I love you and support you in trying again if that is what you choose. Call me girl. Everything is ok, and I am here anytime you need me.